Dear Older Self,
I don’t really want to write this note. I have felt this way about other notes. But this one feels like the most difficult note of all to write.
You have already said final good-byes to your parents and to a few friends. Unless you happen to die before everyone you love, you will be saying good-bye to other people who are near and dear to you: siblings, spouse, closest friends, possibly even a family member younger than yourself.
You know that the closer the relationship, the greater the tsunami of intense feelings is likely to be. Breath knocked out of you. Heart ripped up. Sleepless nights. Appetite gone. Guilt, regret, wanting another day to make things right or to express your love one more time. Numbing depression.
All of these feelings are there because you opened your heart and life to the person you have now lost. All of this is an expression of your love. All of it is a kind of embodied honoring of the one for whom you grieve. All of it is part of remembering the sweet gifts, the hard times, the moments of connection and disconnection, the shared stories and the grace.
It is important to make room for this grief work—for this holy howling. It is important to embrace the grief like medicine for your wounded self.
There may be people who will shame you. Some will worry about you. Some who will want to cheer you up. But you do well to stay clear in your own mind that there is no shame in grief. It is your love needing to find a new voice.
Remember the woman who felt she had to hide her grief? As she approached the first anniversary of her husband’s death, the waves of grief that she had worked so hard to hide began to overwhelm her. She had been participating in a grief support group at her church but when she found herself weeping again, she decided she needed to stop attending the group. What she said was that she didn’t want to discourage other people. She didn’t want them to think that it could still be this difficult almost a year later. The support she needed was available to her but she thought she needed to have recovered completely from her grief before she could return to the group.
Grief is not, however, something we “get over.” Sometimes it sits in the center of our hearts for years. Sometimes for the rest of our lives.
I want you to keep in mind how deeply moved you were as you watched an older friend grieve the death of her beloved spouse. She would simply let the tears flow when she talked about him and when she talked about the many ways she missed him. She shared with you, year after year, that she continued to miss him deeply. Her heart was soft, tender, open, vulnerable and beautiful. You told her how grateful you were for her open-hearted grief that reflected her great love. You told yourself that you wanted to be free to grieve in this same way.
As you allow yourself to stay open to the waves of grief that will come and go, and which will often surprise you, there are a few things I want you to keep in mind.
First remember that anniversary dates can be especially difficult. Keep in mind, as well, that the days leading up to an anniversary date are often the most painful of all. A holiday, a birthday or the day of your loved one’s death can stir the ocean of grief’s emotions sometimes weeks before they arrive.
Do take extra good care of yourself as anniversary dates approach. Rest, be with friends or do something tangible to honor the memory of your loved one. Gather others who share this loss and tell stories both funny and moving about this one you have all lost. Be kind to yourself. Ask the others how they are doing. Tell them how you are doing. Know that this series of crashing waves will quiet again. You will be able to come up out of the wave and find your feet on the sand again and be able to breathe once more.
Sometimes, dear older self, when a loved one dies, you may grieve, in part, for what you longed for but never got from the deceased. You may question yourself for longing for what was always beyond your reach. A friend who never forgave you. A sibling who never saw you or never had time for you.
Or you may grieve your own failures in loving the one who has died. This grief can be confusing. You may ache in a different way. You may struggle with guilt and remorse.
Listen to these feelings, whatever they may be. Make room for them without judging them or shaming them. Gather loving support around you and open to the grief that comes as you say good-bye to each loved one. Open in expectancy to the gifts that will come to you—stay open to the comfort that is offered to you and to the deepening gratitude that will grace this sacred work.
As you embrace grief, you will soften. You will find the path that leads to further forgiveness of yourself for your failings and to greater forgiveness of the one you lost for their failings as well. You will learn to see past the misspoken words of others as they fumbled to acknowledge your loss and pain. The sting of all those stupid things that they said will begin to fade and you will be able to take in their attempts to reach for your hand in your time of sorrow.
The truth is that the greater the grief, the more you will need to take it in small steps. As you receive comfort from God and from others, however, you will find yourself strengthened. And, being strengthened, you will be able to face the painful loss more fully, to open your heart more completely and to rest more deeply.
As you embrace grief and let it do its healing work in you, you will grow in wisdom about all that matters most in your remaining days. All the words of affirmation others long for. All the shared laughter that is needed. All the ways of blessing and receiving blessing from others will become clearer, easier, more wonderfully urgent each day.
As the grief process continues, you will find yourself experiencing other surprising gifts. Because your heart is opening and receiving, you will likely find yourself experiencing deepening gratitude—for the preciousness of what you have lost, for the comfort that you are now receiving and for all that is good and beautiful, all that is loving and kind.
Grief often leads to moments of gratitude. Gratitude, in turn, leads to a most surprising outcome: joy! There, in the midst of loss and sorrow, joy will find you and help you breathe again.
This meditation is taken from Notes to Our Older Selves: Suggestions for Aging With Grace by Juanita Ryan and Mary Rae. You can get a copy at Amazon.com
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